Lonely Ponderings
by To See From The Shadows
Summary: Oneshot. "It was stupid to play with fire." Jenny thinks about the person who changed her. Set after season three. TV universe.


**Hey people. So this is my first fanfic post so it might suck, sorry. Flames are accepted because I think they help you grow as a writer and thicken your skin.**

**-Mickey**

**I don't own Gossip Girl. If I did Jenny and Chuck would've been together from the first episode, Bart would've stayed alive, and Vanessa would've been killed off.**

I sighed as I leaned my head against the train window. I tried not to think about what got me here, but it was pretty hard not to. It's not like there was anything else to do.  
>It was my fault that I was here, but not completely. There was someone who shared a lot of the blame.<p>

As I think back now some of the mast important events that turned me into who I was now revolved around Chuck Bass.

Ah, Chuck Bass. The number one bad boy of The Upper East Side. He certainly did live up to his title.

I had been pretty lonely the first time I met him. It was at the Kiss on the Lips party my freshman year. I had stood all alone in the corner and had been unfortunate enough to catch his eye. How could I not. I was pretty and blonde and oh so untouched. The usual prey. I had been stupid to think that he just wanted to talk. I had been stupid to go up to the roof with him in the first place. I had been stupid to think I could just say no to Chuck Bass.

My brother had shown up in time to stop him, thank God, But that night still left me scarred. It was probably the most important event that changed me. Before that I never would have snuck into a party uninvited or defied Blair Waldorf or gotten revenge on a guy like Chuck Bass. In many ways he ruined me that night.

Speaking of getting revenge on Chuck. That night showed the first signs of my changed personality. I was lonely then, too. I had snuck into the masquerade ball after Blair told me I couldn't come. But nobody knew who I was and no one cared. But, of course, I had again caught Chuck's eye. So I decided to play a little game with him. I should have known better, though. It was stupid to play with fire. But I got a strange satisfaction out of leaving him shivering on the roof top, just like he did to me. What sick person I had already become.

We barely even spoke again until I was at Eric's with a guy and Chuck happened to stumble in drunk. He was vulgar as usual. After my friend left and Chuck came back out we talked. It was an interesting talk. He surprised me by apologizing. I never expected him to. But it had been stupid to forgive him. His drunken state had prompted him to say those things anyway.

But we did stay away from each other for a time. Until we needed each other's help. It was because Blair was acting like a child. Unsurprising. She had always been immature. He should have known that. But her stealing the mean girls away left me lonely and vulnerable to Chuck. So went to the première together and he made perverted comments like always. He thought nothing of them but I couldn't stop think about them. They made me realize that I could be sexy and admired if I tried. They made me realize that I had to rule the school with an iron fist. They made me even meaner then I already was.

Our most recent encounter was the worst. Everyone hated me. I was so lonely I thought I would die. I went to the Empire looking for Nate but, of course, I found Chuck instead. We sat, we talked, we drank, we kissed. He was really drunk. He probably wouldn't have kissed me if he was sober. But, then again, he might have. After all, "He's Chuck Bass". We had sex. In our twisted sense of logic we had figured that if we did we wouldn't be alone. At least for the night. It was the stupidest decision I ever made. And then Blair came. Blair ruins everything. I left after I realized that I really was more alone then ever if even Chuck had someone.

But then I went to the hospital and told Eric everything. And then Dan. And Dan went to the Empire and attacked Chuck, who then told Blair what happened. She told me to leave and never come back. She hates me now more than ever. But at least now Chuck's as alone as I am.

As I go over it all now I realize that none of it meant anything to either of us. After all, our whole twisted relationship only exists because I was stupid and lonely a few times.


End file.
